Humour In A Hard Hat
There was the engineer who once, while out walking, came upon a little green frog. When he picked it up the frog spoke. It said 'Hi I'm actually a beautiful virile young woman, an evil witch put a spell on me, but if you just kiss me I will turn back into myself and I will be VERY grateful'
After considering this proposition for few moments the engineer slipped the frog into his pocket. 'Wait!' cried the frog 'don't you understand what I said? I mean kiss me and you will be very thoroughly rewarded, do you know what I mean? I mean I will do anything you want me to do you just have to ask, just kiss me!'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket and held it up to his face and he smiled, ' I think I would prefer a talking frog' he said and slipped the little amphibian back into his pocket.
Did you hear about the extroverted engineer who would stare at the other persons shoes?
Optimists see the glass as being half full and pessimists think of it as being half empty, engineers think the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A very old and very ill and very mean old building contractor was close to death but clung on to life to the wonder of all those around him.
One night as he lay there in the dark an angel appeared before him and told him he should have no fear of death and that eternal life waited for him on the other side.
The angel thinking it was the fear of his miserly existence that made him too frightened to die was surprised when the old builder told him that he didn't want to leave his wealth behind. He said he wouldn't leave this world unless he could take his wealth with him.
But the angel told him that that wasn't possible and he would have no need of his earthly possessions once he had entered the light.
But the builder clung to his worldly existence and refused to die. "Ask God for me" he implored the angel and the angel went and asked. The angel was even more surprised when God granted the old man his wish. The angel returned to tell him the good news although he said that God would allow him only one suitcase.
The old man arranged for the suitcase to be filled to the brim with gold bars and at last satisfied he lay back closed his eyes and left this material world.
The next thing he knew he was standing outside the pearly gates, suitcase in hand. St. Peter was standing waiting for him but held up his hand when he spotted the suitcase. "I'm sorry my son" he said "but you can't bring any earthly possessions in here".
The old builder explained that he had been given special permission by the Lord himself and after checking his story St. Peter told him that he was correct and that he could now enter into heaven. "However", he said "I do need to check the contents of your suitcase before I can admit you".
The old man opened the bag for St. Peter who looked puzzled, "You brought pavement?" he asked in amazement.
Paved With Gold
Jesus returned to earth 2000 years after his first visit and this time turned up in central Scotland.
He was soon summoned to his local Job Centre and the assistant there asked what previous work experience he had.
‘Well,’ he said ‘I have done a little bit of fishing and a bit of Carpentry’.
Consulting his extensive job files the assistant tells Jesus that he has found a couple of openings for him. The first as a joiner in Edinburgh with start up pay of £200 per week and the second as a fisherman in Galilee starting on £500 per week with a bonus related to the catch.
Jesus immediately said he would take the opening in Edinburgh but the assistant from the Job Centre wasn’t so sure, ‘You do realize the pay for the fisherman’s job is more than twice the joiner’s rate don’t you and you’ll be on a bonus too?'
‘I know’ says Jesus ‘but I’ve worked in Galilee before and you get hammered with tax over there’
Two labourers and a bricklayer were digging a foundation trench for a house extension in Edinburgh. It was cold and wet and the work was hard when Fraser, the first labourer, unearthed an old silver lamp.
The men tried to clean it up to see what exactly it was and the second labourer, Alec, took an old rag and wiped the lamp. A genie suddenly materialized before their very eyes!
The genie spoke to them and explained that normally he gave three wishes to anyone who released him from the lamp but in this case since they were together he would give them one each - "Anything you want." He said.
Fraser thought for a while and then said to the genie that he wished he was in Barbados, that he was wealthy and that he was surrounded by beautiful women who adored him. In a flash his life was transformed and he found himself in the middle of his wish.
Alec went next, he said he also wanted to be wealthy and living in a castle in the Highlands with his wife but he also wanted to be surrounded by beautiful women who adored him and cared for him and his wife wouldn't mind. With another flash Alec's life was transformed and he was living his dream.
"Your turn Davy" said the genie to the bricklayer. Davy thought for a minute, screwed his face up a little bit and finally said to the genie "well there is still a load of work to do here, I wish Fraser and Alec were back helping me." - Flash!
This sounds like a dyslexic brickie I knew who walked into a bra after work!
The Perfect Brickie
A duck walked into the site office of a large building site and asked if there were any vacancies.
The clerk of works was amazed and said to the duck 'you can talk?'
'What's wrong with that?' said the duck 'I've been talking since I was a duckling'.
'That is really amazing' said the clerk of works 'have you never tried the circus?'
'Not really' said the duck 'what would they want with a plasterer?'
What Is It About Engineers?
Two engineering students met each other walking across their campus the first one said to his friend 'Where did you get such a great new bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well that was strange, I was strolling through the gardens in the warm sunshine yesterday minding my own business thinking about the relative density of concrete when a beautiful young student girl rode up on this bike. She stopped, dismounted and then throwing the bike to the ground she took off her clothes in front of me and she said 'I've been waiting to get you alone please just take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly,
'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted.'
The Builders Curse
A construction company started work building a new house in Edinburgh.
A family that lived in the house next to the building site had a lovely little six year old girl with blond curly hair.
She quickly befriended the builders who almost adopted her as their mascot. She shared their breaks with them and they let her help where she could do so safely.
So much so that end of the week they gave her a little wage packet containing £5 which she proudly took home to her mother.
'My goodness' said her mum 'what nice men they are, do you think you will be helping them next week too?'
'It depends mummy' said the little girl ' on whether those ba****ds at the suppliers deliver the f****ing concrete or not.
What The Client Wanted
I first saw this little cartoon montage as a young apprentice in the early 1970's. No idea how old it is but so much of it is still relatable today.
A little collection of jokes and yarns from the building world. If you have any of your own then please share...
Mark The Glazier
Mark the glazier, state of the art window manufacturer and salesman had to call a customer for non payment of her account.
"Excuse me Mrs Halliday" Mark began "It's Mark here from Crystal Clear Glaziers. It's about your account for the windows we fitted last year. According to our records you still haven't paid for them yet?"
"But my dear.." said Mrs Halliday "when you sold me them you told me they would pay for themselves within 12 months!"
A young, brash and an annoyingly over confident new labourer started work on the site and by the lunch time of his first day everyone was fed up listening to him bragging about what he couldn't do, what he couldn't lift, what he didn't know.
One old feller in particular got the brunt of much of his barbed humour, "let me you help you with that old timer before you do some damage" or worse still " I'm surprised your still working at your age".
By the end of the week the oldster could stand it no more. "You do a lot of bragging son" he said "but I bet you your wages I could carry something across the site in that old barrow there that you will never be able to wheel back".
The young man laughed and said "old man there's nothing you could wheel across the site in that barrow that I couldn't wheel back and I'll bet you a whole months wages on that".
With a wise old glint in his eye the old man put out his hand to the young man and they shook on it to the cheers of the other men who had come to watch.
He turned around and took up the handles of the wheelbarrow and with a nod of his head he said "right son... in you get"
Quality Sex? (A QS's Story)
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom; "how can that be if you've already been married five times?"
"Well; husband no. 1 was an Architect and he just kept on telling me how great it was going to be".
"Husband no. 2 was a Computer Manager; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would look into it and get back to me".
"Husband no. 3 was a Project Manager; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver".
"Husband no. 4 was a Structural Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method".
"Husband no. 5 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was .......... God I miss him!"
"But now that I've married you; I'm so excited!"
"Good, said the husband, but Why?"
"You're a Quantity Surveyor........
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Many years ago during the height of the French Revolution a Countess, a Politician and an Engineer, all enemies of the Revolution, were about to be executed on Madame La Guillotine.
First with his head on the block was the Politician but when the lever was released nothing happened and convinced that this was some kind of divine intervention the revolutionary guard released the politician.
Next up was the Countess and she too placed her head on the block. The lever was forcefully pulled back but again nothing happened and again fearing the hand of the Lord, the revolutionaries released the Countess.
Finally came the Engineer and as he was ushered over to the device he glanced over at the release mechanism, "Wait a minute," he says "I think I can see what the problem is..."
Terry the joiner arrives home early from work one afternoon only to find his wife in bed with another man.
He manages to hit the man over the head with his lunch box as he tries to escape.
When the man comes round he discovers he is now standing naked in the joiners work shed.
Worse still he quickly realises that his willy is now squashed into the joiners vice and the vice handle is missing.
Unable to release himself he notices the joiner standing by the door.
Terry has a tenon saw in his hand and he walks slowly towards to the trapped man brandishing the saw.
“You’re not going to cut my willy off with that saw are you”? Squeals the terrified man.
No said the joiner handing the man the saw.
“I’m going to set the shed on fire"
The Mean Old Painter
There was a mean old painter named Brian, he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
He got away with this for some time, but one day his local Church decided to do a big restoration job.
Brian got the job of redecorating the church so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Brian was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was an horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church. A huge flash of lightening startled Brian and he fell from the scaffold and he crashed down into the soft earth below.
Brian was no fool and lying there in between puddles of the thinned down paint he knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got onto his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint My Son! Repaint! And Thin No More!" It said.
Do painters cry if they get too emulsional?
A physician, a builder and a politician were arguing over what the oldest profession in the history of the world could have been.
The doctor said it must have been his job because Eve was created from Adam's rib, and this was a surgical procedure.
The builder said it had to be his job because it was a builder who built the world, before that there was only chaos and the world was built from this chaos so clearly the oldest possible profession had to be the builders
.The politician smiled to himself and he said to them both "Who would have caused all the chaos do you think"?
Did you know when Adam described his ideal woman to God, The lord said 'that will cost you an arm and a leg' 'What can I get for a rib?' said Adam and the rest as we all know is history.
The Oldest Profession:
Don't Swear In Church
A little joiner was fixing the roof of a church, when he hit his thumb with his hammer. "Damn it!" cries the little joiner, "I missed." The minister immediately corrects him, saying, "You shouldn't say such a thing in the church my son."
The little joiner continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again. "Damn it!" he yells again, "I missed." The minister again corrects the little joiner.
The little joiner continues with his work without further comment but later on he again strikes his thumb, and again he yells, "Damn it, I did it again, I missed"
This time the minister corrects him more severely looking up at the vaulted ceilings as he did so. The little joiner sneers at the minister and challenges him, "What's going to happen if I do then? Do you think a bolt of lightning is going to strike me dead?"
The minister shushes the little joiner and puts his finger over his lips, "As a matter of fact, it might" he whispers. Then all of a sudden, a bolt of lightening comes streaking through the roof of the church and strikes the minister dead. "Damn it!" said a large booming voice from the sky, "I missed"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door, and a man enters. "Nice boobs, sister," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Davy and Fraser were working on a building site digging footings when Davy hits something metallic with his shovel. At the same time Fraser also hits something.
They both dig out two unexploded bombs left over from World War II.
"My god" says Davy "we better get these down to the police station"
So the two men pick up a bomb each and get in the van and head off to the nearest police station.
"You don't think we'll get in trouble for moving them?" asks Fraser.
"No I don't think so" Davy says.
"What if one of them explodes" wonders Fraser.
"We'll just say we only found one" Davy assures him.
Were these the builders who dumped tons of sand and pebbles on the pitch before the 2nd leg of a cup tie? Fortunately the home team won 2-0 on aggregate. - Honest
The Big Bang
A builder walks into a bar. After a few drinks of his beer he says to the bar tender "do you see those gates on the big house over there? It took me two weeks to make and fit those gates, but does anyone call me Fred the gate erector? Nooooo! Do you see the fence that surrounds the house? I built it with my bare hands; it took me three whole weeks and I did it on my own with my own sweat? Do they call me Fred the fence builder? Noooo! Its amazing isn't it, but you go and sh*g one measly sheep!"
...talking about sheep, I wondered if they would be good insulators but apparently it depends on their Ewe value!
Fred The Woolyback
The work to be carried out should be clearly indicated on the attached plans and specifications although it may not be.. The Architect and the Quantity Surveyors, who have spent years at university, also spent a lot of time drawing up these plans and specifications but that doesn't really count. Once your tender is submitted to the Clients then tough!
From then on, anything wanted by the Architect, the Client, or any of their friends or neighbours, or anybody else except the Contractor shall be considered as shown, specified, intended, or implied, and shall be provided by the Contractor without any expense to anyone except to the Contractor.
If the work looks like it may get completed on time or within budget and without extra expense to the Contractor, then parts of the work will be taken down and rebuilt variously until the extra expense this causes the Contractor is satisfactory to the Architect.
If the Contractor doesn't find all the Architect's mistakes prior to returning his tender or if he doesn't realize that the Architect is going to dream up a lot of new bits and pieces that have to be done before the job is granted Practical Completion and make provision for them, then the Contractor shall provide any such items without extra cost to the Clients or the Architect.
Any evidence of satisfaction on the part of the Contractor for a job well done shall be considered as just cause for withholding final payment.
And... they say construction and Christmas are very similar because you do all the work and a fat guy in a suit claims all the credit!
The Plumber's Bill
An Edinburgh plumber went to an Advocate's house to fix a leaking pipe.
It took him about 5 minutes to find the problem and fix the leak. He then wrote out an invoice and handed it to the advocate.
'£122.50 plus VAT' gasped the astounded legal man. 'For five minutes work? Why even I don't charge that much for my time and I'm an advocate.'
I know said the plumber, I used to be an advocate myself, that's why I became a plumber.'
Two plumbers walked into a toilet - you would have thought one of them would have seen it.
You should know what they say; don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber.
Is it true that good plumbers never die? They just go down the drain.
This is the story of a very unlucky but surprisingly upbeat Bricklayer, whose name as it happens wasn't Davy. This is the addendum to an accident report which he apparently sent to an insurance panel by way of a claim for injury - well I believe it!
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in block 11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I trust this provides you with sufficient explanation and that you can proceed with the claim.
I remain your obedient servant
Did you hear about the firm of contemporary architects who designed new housing in the jungle?
The locals asked how they would be able to prevent monkeys swinging down out of the trees and landing on the roofs.
'Easy' said the architects, 'its all in the de-tailing.'
Some Useful Definitions For The Building Contractor:
Contractor: - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Competitive Tender: - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Successful Tender: - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Successful Tenderer: - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Architects Budget: - The cost of construction in heaven.
Programme: - A technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
Completion Date: - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages: - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Quantity Surveyor: - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.
Lawyer: - Person who goes in after the Quantity Surveyor to strip the corpses.
The building site was really short of men so the contractors decided to employ 4 cannibals.
The site foreman gets them started and shows them the canteen facilities 'all the food is free, so you shouldn't have any problems' he informs them pleadingly.
'Great' say the cannibals.
After 4 weeks the foreman calls the cannibals back to his office. He tells them that one of the joiners has gone missing and asks them if they know anything about the disappearance?
The cannibals shake their heads - they know nothing. But after they leave the foreman's office the head cannibal screams at his compatriots 'You bloody fools. - 4 weeks we've been eating architects, site agents and project managers without anyone noticing and then you had to go and eat a joiner!'
The Apprentice Painter:
Did You hear about the firm who started a new apprentice painter?
On his first day his journeyman told him to go round the front of the house and undercoat the porch.
A couple of hours later he came back and said that he had finished - but it wasn't a Porche, he said... it was a BMW.
There was a firm of joiners who started a new driver called Fraser.
On his first day he went to the merchants and asked for 30 nr. 8 x 2's. The guy in the yard asked him how long he wanted them.
"Quite a long time" said Fraser "I think we're going to build a house with them".
He was even further confused when he went back to buy a shovel. They showed him three types and told him to his pick!
New Man On The Job...
Hector The Simple Minded Joiner
Then there was Hector, the simple minded joiner.
One Friday the foreman asked him to look after things while he went on a message.
As soon as the foreman left the joiner called his mates and said "Right lads, we can all go early the foremans' gone for the afternoon"
But when the joiner got home he heard groaning noises from his bedroom and when he looked in there he saw the foreman in bed with his wife!
Not saying a word he snuck back out.
The next week the foreman again called him over and asked him to look after things for the afternoon and as soon as the foreman left his pals came over and said "Right Hector can we go early again?" "Not a chance" said the joiner "He almost caught me last week".
The Electrical Corner.....
So... Tony the electrician arrives home at 3 o clock in the morning and his wife demands to know... "Wire you insulate?" Unphased he replies, "Watt's it to you? I'm Ohm, aren't I?"
Try this one then... What's the difference between an electrician and God?
God doesn't think he's an electrician.
And then... Hector was talking to two of the guys on site.
The first guy confides to the other two, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician because the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed."
The second guy also confides, "Wow, me too! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I came home and found a wrench under the bed."
Hector nods wisely and says, "Now it all fits - I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
His two work mates look at him in complete disbelief.
Hector sees them looking at him and says, "No, seriously. The other day I came home early and found a jockey under our bed."
Finally... I used to date a female electrician who was shocking in bed.
OK two more on top... What kind of car does an electrician drive? . . . . . A Volts-wagon.
Did you hear that two TV ariels got married last week? The service wasn't very good but the reception was fantastic.